Movie Review: Religulous

October 10, 2008 by

LOLZ!

Vice Presidential Debate: The Drinking Game

October 2, 2008 by

While there appears to be a metric shit-ton of VP Debate drinking games floating around, I still wanted to contribute, so I took some of the best rules , threw in some of my own, and voila:

This game will require:

-Willingness on your part to get sloppy, retarded, ultra-turbo wasted during a VP debate.
-6 Pack of Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA (might be hard to find, but there should be some cases left over from September, if not, go with the 90 minute)[because the beer is from Delaware, get it?]*
-6 Pack of any Moosehead beer. (Because Sarah Palin likes to murder hunt moose)
-Cheap Vodka
-Jager, or something you can do shots of pretty well.
*These are really strong beers – 16-20% alcohol, be prepared to fuck up your Friday morning.

So the Dogfish is for Biden, the Moosehead is for Sally Governor Palin, or whatever.

Take a swig if either candidate says:

  • Change.
  • Washington.
  • Bush.
  • Blue-Collar.
  • Working Class.
  • Faith.
  • 9/11.
  • Bridge to nowhere.

Take a shot if either candidate tells a boldface lie that can be easily disproved in 5 or fewer mouse clicks.

Biden Rules:

  • If he starts to tell the story about taking the train home every night, don’t stop drinking ’til he finishes, or whenever your beer is done.
  • Take a hefty sip if he mentions Scranton, PA.
  • Take a sip if he mentions McCain, Take a sip from your neighbor’s beer if he mentions McCain as his friend or good friend.
  • Take a sip every time he chuckles condescendingly.
  • Take a shot if his toupee falls off.
  • Take a shot if he makes her cry.

Palin Rules:

Take a drink when she says:

  • Maverick
  • Hockey Mom
  • Thanks, but no thanks.
  • Mentions her family. Two sips if she mentions her husband by name. If she mentions her kids by name, take the number of sips corresponding to their number in the brood (1-Track, 2-Bristol, 3-Willow, 4-Piper, 5-Trig). Do a shot if she mentions that poor, dumb bastard Levi Johnson.
  • Take a shot if she mentions her son signing up for the Army on 9/11.
  • If Russia or Vladamir Putin are mentioned, take a shot of that vodka. (hell, make it a U-Boat, drop that shot of vodka into a short glass of orange soda) and then punch the person you’re sitting next to in the arm.
  • When she turns an honest question into a folksy story, don’t you dare put down that beer til she finishes!
  • If at any point you think that McCain/Palin are going to win, finish that lovely Canadian lager, crack open another one, and research how to become a citizen of that great land.

Also, check out Palin bingo:

Good luck, Joe!

UPDATE: If anyone mentions the word blink, like Palin saying, “You can’t blink…” No one is allowed to blink, the first person to do so must take another U-Boat.

The Backlash Backlash?

September 30, 2008 by
Geordi LaForge had his back lashed, are you happy internets?

Geordi LaForge had his back lashed, are you happy internets? All he wanted to do was host Reading Rainbow.

That is not a typo folks.  I am leading the drive to lash back at backlash, though I suppose technically it never lashed me in the first place…yet.  For me, this is a preemptive strike against a backlashing.  And this time we’ll find those WMDs.

One of the most popular ways bloggers seem to be generating buzz is to grab something likable, for example bunny rabbits with big round eyes, and hating it.  Then they get their buddies to do it too, so they all conform to the bullshit hipster “non-conformity.”  On a site like BuzzFeed, they gather it up and present it as a trend.  This is the same thing the stockbrokers in Boiler Room did: they created their own hype, their own buzz, their own inflated stock price.

Do a search for backlash on BuzzFeed. 93 hits and counting.  Who will you find there?  People like Zooey Deschanel, Michael Cera, Tina Fey, and Daniel Day Lewis.  I call bullshit.  Tell me what is wrong with any of them.  I dare you.  What?  Is Tina Fey too funny (and hot IMO)?  Is Michael Cera too awkwardly charming?  Is Zooey Deschanel not the most adorable fucking thing ever?  Is Daniel Day Lewis too good of an actor?

Fuck you backlash machine.  You fake buzz generating succubus.

Everytime you buy into some bullshit internet anti-hype, a blogger kills a bunny.

Everytime you buy into some bullshit internet anti-hype, a blogger kills a bunny.

Go to the gallery for pictures of more stuff bloggers would pick on needlessly, given the chance.

It is pretty fucking scary.

September 25, 2008 by

No, not the prospect of Sarah Palin being the President after McCain bites the big one, FUCKING DEAD SPACE.

I just played the first hour or so of this game and it is fucking AWESOME.  Definitely a day 1 purchase.

I didn’t even get to the zero g stuff, but with the level of polish I saw on the first level and a half, I’m sure it will be fantastic.  The dimemberment is cool as all hell, the graphics are slick and creepy, and the weapons (well the two I used) are oh so satisfying.  I’m not usually into horor games, but this is gonna be freaking sweet.

Top 5 (or 4) Sports Venues that are more famous than Yankee Stadium

September 22, 2008 by

Because making a top 5 list is the only way to get your shit read…

I wonder how many people have this as a tattoo.

Last night marked the final baseball game played at “The House that Ruth Built,” the Bronx’s own Yankee Stadium. Now while it is well known that the staff of OKNPFB are all Seattle Mariners fans stuck in the New York metropolitan area, we have nevertheless enjoyed every game we’ve attended at Yankee Stadium. It is the quintessential baseball stadium.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating the storied history of this great ballpark, but their is a fine line between between honoring it and going all gay for it. (Digression – this is assuming the stadium is a dude and the majority of Yankee fans, despite strong homo erotic behavior and tendencies, are straight males. Disregard this if you are either a woman or a gay dude. – End digression)

Last night, one of the commentators (no, I don’t know the Yankees radio personalities by name) said the many ceremonies preceding the game were “celebrating the most famous sporting venue in the history of the world.”

Hold it right there, buster. The whole world? All of history? A baseball stadium? I think not, sir.

First off, there is no doubt that it is the most famous baseball stadium and at a minimum in the top three of most famous venues in America. It is true that foreign players often speak of wanting nothing more than to play there, but these players come from a very small number of countries, primarily Caribbean and East Asian nations. I would be willing to guess that if you asked the majority of people in Europe, Africa, South America, and Asia, they probably wouldn’t know of its existence.

Now you can argue that point forever, and I hardly give a shit if you do, but one thing that is astoundingly evident is how Yankees fans are the some of the most self-centered in all of sports. Not the doucheiest fans, mind you; you still have that honor Philadelphia. Though you’d be an asshole if you endured 100 years of heartbreak.

So here it is, my list of 5 4 sporting venues that are more famous than Yankee Stadium:

Beijing National Stadium, Beijing, China

Image stolen from Wikipedia, or some other place.

Image stolen from Wikipedia, or some other place.

The “Bird’s Nest” as it came to be called is one of the most famous venues on Earth if only due to the sheer number of people who have seen or know of it -wait, that’s what famous means, ah fuck it.  Being that the Olympics were the most watched television event, let alone sporting event, in the history of forever, it definitely gets a sport in the top 5.
Fun facts: The stadium was built for $423 million, approximately 1/10 of what it would cost to build in the West.  Save money by not providing a things like decent wages or safety!  I’m just kidding, I’m pretty sure steel is cheap there, too!
Wembley Stadium (Both New and Old), London, England
Son't think you're getting a pass, American soccer fans, that shit still isn't right.

Don't think I'm giving you a pass, American soccer fans, that shit still isn't right.

London’s Wembley Stadium holds over 90,000 people, most of whom have adorable British accents.  In whatever form, Wembley has hosted the World Cup Final and hosted the UEFA Champions cup a record five times.  According to the 90% of the world, that’s a big deal.  Listen, I know its soccer, take a break.

Considering the hundreds of millions of people that watch that crap, Wembley is more famous.  Plus if you take into account internationally broadcast concerts such as Band-Aid or the concert for Dianna or whatnot, I think it gets into the top 5.

The old stadium held even more, and over 240,000 bum rushed the stadium for a 1923 championship.  It has also hosted the Olympics and several pre-season American (Real) Football games.

Salt Lake Stadium, Calcutta, India

Built on top of where The Temple of Doom took place.

Built on top of where Temple of Doom took place.

See, thing are getting tricky now.  Might have to pull out some wild cards.  Check me out on this one, Salt Lake Stadium in Calcutta is the second largest stadium in the world (next to the soccer stadium in North Korea) and is in a country with over a billion people.  Being that there are well over a billion people in the know about this place, and there are likely far fewer fans of baseball, this place beats Yankee Stadium.

Flavian Amphitheatre, Rome, Italy

You saw this coming, right?

You saw this coming, right?

At nearly 2,000 years old, the Roman Coliseum is one of the oldest structures in the world as well as being THE most famous sporting facility in the history of the world.  Not only is it the most famous, it’s also the coolest.  It sat over 50,000, had a retractable roof, was floodable for sea battles, and an estimated 500,000 people were killed in the bloody ‘games’ of the time.

Seriously, if I could pay to watch Christians get eaten by lions, I would, despite how uncomfortable the stone seats must’ve been.

Me = Jealous of the spectators.

Me = Jealous of the spectators.

So that’s it, the top five four sports facilities that are more famous than Yankee Stadium.  I thought about putting in the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquette Club, but decided against.  Leave me a comment with an arena you think is more famous than the “House that Ruth Built.”

Concert Review: The Kooks w/ The Wombats @ The Stone Pony, Asbury Park, NJ. 9/12

September 15, 2008 by

Nothing too lengthy here.  It was sold out, but not too packed.  Maybe the rain had something to do with it.

The Kooks were the headliners and I really don’t want to go into them too deeply except that it was pointed out to me that their singer is a British Nate Ruess, which I do not necessarily agree with.  They were fine, pretty good actually.  The thing is, The Wombats were so good and so much fun that I wish they had time to play 4 more songs, which would have rounded out their entire album.

I’ve been rocking The Wombats’ A Guide to Love, Loss & Desperation on steady rotation since about last May and it was fantastic to see these songs come alive.  If you’re in to fun, British Pop-Rock, you need to be listening to these guys.  Seriously, they have much more to offer than just “Let’s Dance to Joy Division.”

Anyway, check them out if you like music.

So, the old joke goes…

September 11, 2008 by

Fat girls are like mopeds; they’re fun to fuck in the ass, but you wouldn’t want to date them. EDIT: Ok, that was mean.

Wait.

I mean, fat girls are like mopeds:  fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want you’re friends to see you on one.

That’s how I feel about Silicon Knights’ much anticipate, much dissed Too Human.

I wrote a full review, but then I realised how unnecessary the whole review was.  The game has its problems, but I had fun playing it, and isn’t that what we really want from our games?  I honestly wouldn’t even be pissed off about the length of the game (10 or so hours) if it felt like a complete product, but it doesn’t, it feels like an opening act.  Not like part one of a planned trilogy (which given the game’s reception, seems unlikely now), but part 1 of that part 1.

Oh well.  So, by me wanting DLC for the game, I’m pretty much saying, “Too Human, get your  chubby ass back here, so I can tap that.”

September 11, Woo-Hoo, where were you?

September 11, 2008 by

Don’t answer that, because I do not fucking care. I can’t count the number of times in the past several years when normal conversations spiral into a “I was doing this and this on 9/11, blah, blah, fuckity blah.” What possible significance could it be that you were in Home Room when the second tower came down? If you were in one of the towers when it started to come down, I’d say you get a pass, because that is some harrowing shit.

I detest how 9/11 is used nowadays. People criticized the RNC 9/11 tribute video, and rightly so. But you have no idea how many times I’ve had to sit through that fucking drivel with a Toby Keith song going in the background, all under the guise of a motivational, pro-military, or pro-soldier video. Despite hard evidence to the contrary, many people, not just John McBush (skip to the 7th paragraph if you’re lazy), and especially in the military, still believe in some link between Iraq and the attacks on U.S. soil.

It absolutely sickens me that U.S. foreign policy adopted a get-them-before-they-get attitude, but to take on that paranoid bully attitude without justification and with falsified intelligence is fucking DISGUSTING! Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn, the number of funerals I’ve been to that are the result of lies.

So, yeah, there’s my 9/11 rant. Nothing that hasn’t been said before, but please don’t vote for four more years of this crap, I don’t know if I can take it.

Dude, if you have a goatee…

September 10, 2008 by

You’re an asshole.  Check that, you are an Asshole.  Sorry, I just had to capitalize that right quick.

Case in point, check out this fuckwad, his cunt wife, and their window-licking baby adorable son:

(Shit, I could go off on a whole other tangent about old ladies having babies and how irresponsible that is given the increased risk of whatever and stuff.  Not that that sounds ignorant or anything, I would never question someone’s reproductive rights, just their reproductive choices.)

And Brant, if for whatever reason you’re reading this, I’m sorry dude.  Someone had to tell you, the dream is over, goatees are not and will never be cool.

Does my hate of the goatee spawn from some deep jealousy due to the fact that I am a 25-year-old male who cannot grow a moustache? No, and fuck you Dr. Phil.

Coming tomorrow:  Scarf in summertime? I hope you get raped by a fire hydrant.

Post Script: Check out this piece of awfulness: GoateeSaver.  Old news, I know, but fuck me if that shit isn’t still fantastically god awful.

Is it just me…

September 9, 2008 by

Or does the show “Heroes” appear to be just about the gayest thing ever.

This is from someone who spends way more money than he’d like to admit on comic books, owns multiple versions of Superman II, Daredevil (yeah, the one with Ben Affleck), and Sin City. Fuck, I even have a bootleg copy of the Fantastic Four movie from Roger Corman that was sooo bad and never released.

I remember watching the first few episodes when it started and losing interest after it took a two-month break in the winter as the big shows tend to do now and I just didn’t start watching it again. I was almost tempted to flip it on after hearing that George Takai was on the show, but even Mr. Sulu could not entice me to watch what appears to be the single biggest fucking cheesefest to have millions of people watching it weekly.

Plus, isn’t the teenage chick banging the dude in his 30s? I’m sooo sure they waited for her birthday, god-damn Hollywood and their turning a blind eye to statutory rape.